Going All Out to All Fit In
One of our most basic magnetisms, in some ways even more fundamental than the drive for mere survival, is our desire for community. A powerful social stigma is attached to solitude, rooted in the idea that the more people we surround ourselves with, the healthier we are mentally and the more desirable we must be, since more people find us socially palatable. Conversely, if we are consistently and intentionally reclusive, we must lack the confidence or basic social skills required to be a contributing member of society.
The self, although isolate in concept, is not by nature isolationist, and seeks out beings of similar substance to enjoy and endure alongside. We yearn deeply to feel at home among others who see the beauty in us when we refuse to see it ourselves, and we search the world desperately for signs that we are fit for it and it for us.
The reason we seek out a sense of belonging is that we want more than anything to believe that we have a purpose, and that this dark cosmic cluster isn’t just a serendipitous coincidence, or worse, a physical accident. Beauty supplies this sense of fittingness that draws our mind’s eye to the visage of transcendent things that reflect an order and an ordered Creator. And if that is indeed the case then it might just be possible to hope that It created us on purpose and for a purpose. This points to the seminal ideation of purposeful consciousness since time immemorial — that maybe this life isn’t all that it could be. This conclusion bequeaths to the things of life the responsibility to mediate that potential for better or worse. It is then that responsibility, in turn, which bestows meaning on being.
In my architecture undergrad, I remember time and time again, the word “community” being constantly thrown around as a justification for a particular design gesture or diagram. However arbitrarily it may have been used at the time, it was very indicative of the direction and state of the art and of the human condition in general at present. A lonely social media mediated search for community, it seems, has come to define the 21st century — successive generations raised in suburban isolation searching for a sense of belonging beyond simply cohabiting the same cul-de-sac.
We strive daily to figure out what constitutes our best selves in the experimental parameters of culture and community. Most of the time, this means looking to authority and celebrity example over the seemingly inefficient trial and error of our more familiar awkwardness, and the excessive transparency of sharing too much too soon. Then we gauge our success based on the comparative expanse of our respective spheres of influence.
But the metric is misguided at best…
This process is not one of maximizing potential or optimizing project workflow; we’re all just trying to make a friend because, at the end of the day, the simple truth is that life is far too cold to grow old alone.
As someone who grew up moving maybe more frequently than most, I thought that by the time I got to where I am now, I would be comfortable with meeting new people, remembering names, making new friends, and finding new belonging. After all, practice makes perfect, right? But, as I’m sure many others who have shared similar stories would be able to echo, a true sense of belonging requires a far more elusive understanding of its nature than that. Inevitably, I found myself envying the stability of growing up and growing old with the same people.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure those who have lived that life would be the first to chime in and say that’s no peanut butter and jelly sandwich either. They probably grew up wishing they could get out and go somewhere else where everyone didn’t have their nose up in every little bit of everyone else’s business.
But isn’t that just how it goes…
We long for diversity of experience and, after having achieved it, realize that it’s all just different. Not better. Not worse. Just a feeling — a wish to mix and match, trying desperately to hold out for the best of all worlds, meanwhile sending up a small prayer to Heaven — that there could be a place for you somewhere when you’ve left pieces of yourself everywhere.
The truth is, most of the time, we don’t want to be like other people; we just want to be accepted by them. Most of the time, we don’t want to act like other people; we just want to be included by them. Most of the time, we don’t have it all together; we just need to know that someone could love us anyway. As long as the former determines the latter, that becomes our means to the end. We emulate certain others in the hopes that doing so will result similarly for us, whether it concern popularity, success, or character. We prostitute our true personality to purchase prestige and hold out hope that a value predicated on mere popularity and superficial appeal could suffice.
But even then — even when you’re at the center of an rapidly expanding social circle — is it enough? When you lie in bed, late at night and unable to sleep; when all your insecurities and fears come creeping in when you’re at your most vulnerable — is it enough then? Or is there still a gaping hole right through you — a feeling of a greater emptiness nothing in this world could ever fill? Are you funny enough for people to like you? Are you attractive enough for people to envy you? Are you successful enough for people to respect you? Or does any of that really even matter?
We’ve heard it said a thousand times, “Just be yourself!” But somehow we’ve all been conditioned to understand that’s not good advice. It would be one thing if none of us had ever experienced rejection in the past, but it’s something already all too familiar to most of us. They say there’s no true despair without a little bit of hope always just out of reach — such mad hope that would cause you to starve and carve yourself into the image that you think they want to see, only to realize there exists no refuge for the slave of a million masters.
I’m convinced that one of the most valuable lessons to be learned from life is that you are not created to simply appeal! You were not spoken and breathed into being by the everlasting God to beg approval of anyone lesser. How easily we would give up our true purpose for the applause of another and we would spurn our birthright for the soup of a brother… When all the forces of nature and the divine combine to inhabit you, can you only imagine how special you are! And when the hands of the almighty God knit you together in your mothers womb with a promise and a plan, can you only picture His sadness when you would abandon the path for the praise of a man!
The need for belonging is a journey to find a friend, to bear witness to the divine, to fulfill your purpose, all while hoping that who you are is enough. The sad truth is that it may not always be for the people that you care the most about. You may be drawn and discarded time and time again by those passing by, always searching for better. There are no promises that you will fit in wherever you go, or that your story will be treasured by those you meet along the way.
But the good news is that everything you are always is and always will be enough for your Creator. He made sure of that when He sent His only Son to die in your place because He couldn’t bear the thought of Heaven without you! Once you understand the gravity of this love, you can rest in the knowledge that, whoever else you meet and whoever takes their leave, you will always have a Friend that sticks closer than a brother. You have been covered by and completed in Christ so that when the Father looks at you, He sees Jesus and responds time and time again, “This is my son/daughter with whom I am well pleased!”
